Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Year's Resolutions

Agent 101 has "asked" all of her underlings to submit a list of New Year's resolutions.  I do this begrudgingly.  She claims it will help us to set goals for ourselves to achieve in the coming year.  Right.  Here are mine in no particular order:

  1.  I resolve to produce more milk this year, if only for bragging rights that I'm the best.
  2.  I resolve to follow through this year on my plan to spray paint "Got Milk?" onto my backside on my birthday that I didn't do last year.
  3.  I resolve to go to sleep earlier and not stay up all night watching "Til the Cows Come Home" on Netflix.
  4.  I resolve to be one of the first cows to be milked so I can grab a great spot at the silage trough afterwards.
  5.  I resolve to report more on what The Farmer does and does not do.  Like when I moo for more feed in the barn and he ignores me when he thinks I've had enough.  I've never had enough!

What will The Farmer be doing on New Year's Day?  He'll be here milking and feeding as he does everyday.  Will he be making any resolutions?  Knowing him, probably not.  I could suggest a couple.  First, The Farmer could resolve to warm up those cold hands before milking time. He could also add some more grain to my ration and that would help me out with my #5.

Agent 421, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Dear Rudolph

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tummyaches and Television

I think it must have been something I ate, whether it was too much or too little I'm not sure, but I just started feeling bad.  This morning during my milking I didn't even want to eat my feed, covered in sweet molasses as it was.  When I exited the dairy barn The Farmer singled me out and walked me into the other barn.  In my unhealthy state he easily escorted me into the head chute to keep me still.

I didn't know what to expect except that maybe that he was onto us.  Before I could reach the cyanide capsule underneath my fake tooth The Farmer placed some large pills down my throat. "That oughtta make you feel better." he told me, but I didn't believe him.  The Farmer walked me into a stable, checked to make sure I had water, and then fed me some green, leafy hay.

After he left, Agent 101 came in to check on me.  She asked me if the pills had helped my stomachache any.  I couldn't believe that was why The Farmer had given them to me, but she assured me that was what the pills were for.  She said I would be feeling better by morning.  Maybe The Farmer was being good to me.

Before leaving, Agent 101 loaned me her new Ipad to keep me from being bored while I was alone in the stable.  I did some random web surfing before I came across one of my old favorite television shows, "Til The Cows Come Home" with the famous theme song by Handsome Dairy Dave and the Bashful Bulls.  I ended up staying awake all night watching those crazy cows and their adventures.

Agent 465, feeling a little better and reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Bovine. Jane Bovine.

And that was just some of the ribbing I got for my mistake this past week.  I have been heckled by most of the senior agents with a few nicknaming me "Double Naught."  Unlike some of them, I take my job seriously and I know that I unfortunately made a mistake.  I cannot begin to describe the embarrassment I had when I told my boss, Agent 101, my theory on how The Farmer must belong to some kind of cult of the Wooly Bull led by a pharaoh.  She laughed in my face when she explained it was just a song from the 60's by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs that The Farmer was playing for his kids to dance to.

I'm a young agent, only 3 years old.  Like most cows I had my first calf at around two years of age and began my first lactation.  How am I supposed to know pop culture from fifty years ago?  But answer me this, did The Farmer's kids begin standing and walking within an hour of their birth?  When (or if) did they reach their maturity?  I was working full time and finished my agent training before they were even out of diapers.

I have about half of my three hundred or so days of milking left and then I will be reassigned to the dry cow group of cows for two months before I calve.  Maybe by then the other agents will forget my faux pas and the nicknames.  But knowing them, they probably won't.

Agent 230, reporting quietly, from the Udder Side.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Bugging The Farmer

While tracking The Farmer the last few days I have seen him travel to and from his wheat fields to watch it progress from seed to grassy plant.  I find that following him is not enough and I would like to hear more.  In order to listen in on him better I stuck a "bug" on the brim of his cap that will transmit everything he says to a computer where it is recorded.

The weather seems to be a very popular subject with The Farmer especially when talking about the wheat fields.  How much has it rained?  Looks like a sunny day today.  Will we have frost in the morning?  After studying the recordings I wondered if he had anything else to talk about.

Then I heard something very intriguing.  The Farmer, when talking to his children, asked the question if they knew about the, and the next part was a little garbled from a baby crying, but it sounded like he said the "wooly bull."  Then he told them they should listen to the "pharaohs."  I am convinced I have stumbled across something very important about farmers in general.  I can see a vast conspiracy, perhaps a cult that they all belong to where they listen to their leader, obviously the pharaoh, and fulfill his commands.  But who or what is the wooly bull?  And what does it have to do with the pharaoh?

How big is this conspiracy?  How far does it go?  I'm going over the recordings again and again to find more clues.  I'm taking my findings to Agent 101 soon.  I have no doubt she'll be impressed.

Agent 230, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Poem of Thanks

Agent 162 runs a lending library from her stall and considers herself a "literary" cow. To celebrate Thanksgiving and #FoodThanks, she wrote a poem.  I asked her to share it but she was a little embarrassed and refused.  She's holding my copy of All Creatures Great and Small hostage to try and prevent me from posting the poem but I'm going to share it anyway.  I think everyone should read it.

Here's her poem:

For the hay so green and tasty
I give thanks.
For the silage of wheat and corn
I eat night, noon, and morn
I give thanks.
For my milk that goes in the tank
For the glass that you just drank
Please give thanks.

Agent 101, from the Udder Side, thanking The Farmer and everyone else who provides the food, feed, and fiber for us all.

Monday, November 14, 2011

New Agent on the Farm

Before his alarm clock rings I am waiting.  When The Farmer's truck pulls into the night pasture to bring the cows in for the morning milking I am waiting.  The moon is to my back as his headlights strike me.  I go in with the other cows, but I am watching.

I am a new agent on this farm and I take my job seriously.  Parties, dancing, and the theater are not on my mind.  I believe in discipline so much I had the word tattooed on myself.  Okay, maybe I chickened out after the "D" hurt so bad and didn't get the "iscipline," but the meaning is still there.

I intend to watch The Farmer and report every thing he has done. Anything and everything will go in my report.  I will get photos, fingerprints, boot prints in fake poo, and a dna sample before the day is through.  I will know everything about him as well as I know my own black and white hair patterns. I graduated my class moo-a cum laude and I make no mistakes.

While The Farmer milked and fed the cows and calves I was always lurking behind the corner of the barn just outside of his peripheral vision.  Interesting find of the day was when Agent 465's new calf failed to nurse on her own, The Farmer stepped in and helped the calf get started.

I will be watching and waiting.

Agent 230, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Get Smart By Eating Dairy Products

Agent 468 had been watching The Farmer work on his computer when she saw him suddenly leap up, pour a tall glass of milk, and drink it down.  She then accessed his computer remotely to see what he was reading.  A Daily Dose of Dairy Boosts Mental Performance was the headline of the article by the University of Maine and the University of South Australia.  Here's the most important line in the study:

"Consuming dairy products such as milk, cheese and yogurt at least once a day was associated with greater performance in mental functions including verbal memory, visual-spatial memory, organisation and abstract reasoning, compared with those who consumed dairy less frequently."

I can paraphrase the study by saying it simply says eating dairy products may make you smarter.  This isn't exactly news to us.  I'd like to say this is another way we share our superior bovine technology with people.

You don't have to be a secret agent cow to realize how important this study is to the world.  In order to spread this news and help dumb  not-so-smart people everywhere, I asked agent 228 to create an animated video.  The first version was in "moo" and the one below has been translated into English.

Agent 463 wrote a virus, cowpie.exe, and installed it on The Farmer's computer. It will begin sending the video out to everyone in his email address book and replicating itself on the recipient's computer.

I hope our work here will improve the lives of people everywhere.  I can imagine dairy products like chocolate milk will be offered without question at schools now. Eating ice cream might become mandatory before taking ACT and SAT tests.  I also see a well deserved promotion in my future.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Back Field 500

It has been a long night.  I've been looking over the video footage of The Farmer as he rode on the tractor yesterday afternoon.  Here's a sample of what I've been seeing.

This is like the most boring Nascar race I've ever watched!  All right turns and no car wrecks!  And there's like 272 laps to go!  Couldn't I have been given something else to do more exciting?

Okay, okay, it really isn't that bad.  At least The Farmer was doing something important.  He was tilling the soil so that wheat (and a bit of ryegrass for color and flavor; yum!) could be sown for the spring harvest.  This field was the only one that had to be done like this.  The others were all no-till which means he just sowed the wheat without working the ground any at all. Unfortunately the field in the video was too hard to plant like that and if he hadn't worked the ground up then many of the seeds might not have grown very well.

At least I've got the spring harvest to look forward to and all that delicious wheat silage.  Until then, lets see, The Farmer is now on lap 346.

Agent 226, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween, Trick-or-Treaters, and Zombies

There are some things you just learn from experience.  After leading this group of secret agents for a while I know that I should not expect any hard work done on Halloween so it is best to just let them have the night off.  They're all too excited about ghosts, ghouls, and other scary things anyway.  This year they rented the first season of that new zombie tv show.

 I hope none of them get too scared to go to sleep tonight.  All I need is a bunch of "tough" secret agents whining that there's not enough flashlights for each of them.

What I have never understood about Halloween is the whole trick-or-treating thing. Why dress up and pretend to be something you are not?  It really reminds me of the dairy aisle at the grocery store.  I'm talking about those soy and rice drinks dressed up in cartons and pretending to be milk.  They will never be as completely nutritious and delicious as real genuine milk from me.

Don't be tricked on Halloween or any other day.  Make sure you're getting yourself a dairy good treat.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Cow Myths

My particular job in the C.A.L.F. operation is in the IT department.  I keep watch over what The Farmer does on his computer.  I also spend a considerable amount of time looking for anyone on the internet talking about any of our agents and about things related to cows and dairy.  I find it is unfortunate that so many myths about us are out there so I decided to dispel a few of them.

1. Brown cows make chocolate milk.
Not true.  Seriously, you can feed a cow all the chocolate she can eat and her milk is still going to come out white.  You can add the tasty flavoring of your choice to your own tall glass of milk.  I actually prefer strawberry!

2. Only bulls have horns.
The truth is that bulls and heifers (males and females) can be born with horns. The Farmer will remove the horns when calves are young to prevent them from endangering others.  He would probably prefer that all of his cattle were polled, that is that they are born without horns.  Now, an agent like me would never use her horns to knock another cow out of the way so I could get more feed or stick The Farmer is his rear-end if he was bothering me.  

3. Cattle are God's favorite animals.
This one is true.  Have you never heard of the sacred cow or holy cow?

4. Cows change their colors like leaves in the fall.
Not true at all.  We stay the way we were born, although some of us, myself included, always wanted red hair.

5. Milk is full of antibiotics.
This is totally false.  Any milk that leaves the farm cannot have antibiotics in it.  All milk is tested for antibiotics before the processor even accepts it from the farm.

6. Dolphins are smarter than cows.
That's just propaganda put out by the pro-dolphin lobby groups.

7. Milk is full of hormones.
Concerned about hormones in milk? You should probably worry more about the teenagers at the local high school dance than the jug of milk in the refrigerator. The truth is, believe it or not, there are naturally occurring hormones in a lot of foods.  For example there are 11 nanograms of estrogen in a 32 oz glass of milk compared to a whopping 454 in raw peas!  Where are the pea police at?

8. Farmers are cruel and inhumane to cows.
I can tell you this: sick and hurt cows don't make milk. That's a fact.  Why would any dairyman strike the proverbial hand that feeds him?  I have observed The Farmer doing his best to keep us healthy and content so we can make milk freely.

You can find more myths dispelled at SUDIA , at the Dairy Council of California, and at the NHGSDP.

Agent 463, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Spy vs Spy?

I can honestly say that the last few days have been wild.  A week ago The Farmer separated me from the rest of the dry cows.  I had been with them for about fifty days doing my reporting there.  Not much to say, mostly we just hung out, ate, and slept.  When The Farmer moved me I thought, uh-oh, what's going on here? Then the weird thing happened: he started spying on me!

Seriously, The Farmer was always looking up in the field I was in to check on me or slowing down in his truck to watch me.  He was almost a stalker.  But then my time came.  Maybe I should say my calf's time came.  While The Farmer was doing all his watching, I felt confident he would come in and assist me if I had needed any help while calving.  I know this had to be true because when my calf was totally clueless about how to get started nursing, The Farmer was there to guide him to me to get my colostrum, my first milk, which is like super-duper milk, full of good stuff to get my calf off to a great start.

My question is who is spying on whom?

Agent 150, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Don't Forget About Blog Action Day Focus on Food

Okay, have you ever woke up in the middle of the night remembering you forgot to do something?  I didn't do that.  I finally woke up after pressing the snooze button about five times (I'm usually a three snoozes kind of bovine) and remembered that I was supposed to have something to say about Blog Action Day's focus on food. Sooo......Ummm.......Milk is healthy.  And nutritious.  And milk is totally awesome. Totally awesome.

Facts..right, there should be some facts.  Alright, uh, fact #1 I stayed up way too late last night and I still have not taken my curlers out of my hair this morning. Fact #2 I'm a cow.  Fact #3 A cow's job is to make milk.  Fact #4 Milk is full of protein, vitamins, minerals, and is better than sports drinks after a hard workout. Okay, that's good enough.

So, go celebrate Blog Action Day with your favorite dairy products.  Me, I'm off to find a double iced milk coffee thing.

Agent 401, reporting from the Udder Side

Monday, October 10, 2011

Ladies Night

Okay, this is not what it looks like.  Unless you think it looks like we are getting totally busted for being outside of our field again.  And if that's what you see then it is exactly what it looks like.  We had been being good little heifers and following the rules, but when we heard they were having Ladies Night at The Cattle Trough we couldn't resist.  I know, I know, it isn't the classiest establishment you could go to but they were having bicarb soda drinks (good for the digestion and complexion) and my favorite alfalfa appetizers.  We also heard a rumor that some sons of Planet were going to be there but they didn't show up.

We were practically back in our field when The Farmer arrived.  I don't know how he got tipped off that we had slipped off but there he was anyway.  The Farmer is always out checking fences and sawing down any tree branches that might fall on them so we can't "accidentally" walk off.  He also counts us every morning like he's studying for a real hard kindergarten test or something.  Maybe that's one of the ways he shows he cares.

Agent 742, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Working 9 to 5

9 to 5 Starring Agent 459

Honestly, I didn't think they could pull it off.  I planned on giving Agent 459 the blame, but I suppose she deserves the credit now.  With summer and the hottest weather over she wanted to do something fun with the other cows.  As they say, Agent 459 ain't from around here.  She hails from a dairy near New York City where she often sneaked out to see off-Broadway plays.  When she organized a musical production of Dolly Parton's 9 to 5  you can guess who got to play the lead role!

The cows here do not actually work 9 to 5.  They have plenty of opportunities  to eat and drink at their leisure.  They also get long rests out on the pasture.  That must be why they have the energy to do this show.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Neither Confirm Nor Deny

After receiving hundreds of emails I feel compelled to respond before my inbox overloads.  This photo was allegedly taken by David Foster.  Is it real?  Is it photoshopped? Are secret agent cows on his dairy looking at his dairy records in the office?  Or is this possibly just a hungry or curious bovine?  I can neither confirm nor deny what is going on in the photo.

I can say that dairy farmers have many reports in their offices.  There are many cow records including genealogy of their animals, breeding records, milk weights, and more.  Dairy farmers could not get by without keeping track of what goes on on their farm.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Up, Up and Away!

Things are looking better around here every day.  The main reason I'm saying that is because I'm talking about corn.  Corn silage, that is.  The Farmer has started feeding off of one the the silos filled with corn silage.  I can remember what seems like an eternity gone by since I walked between those tall green stalks and now they are all up, up and away in the silo!

I should probably be carrying out my duties and reporting on what else is going on, but I can't get my mind off of this. Now all I can ask The Farmer to do is feed some more. I'm still hungry!

Agent 226, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Picture Day On The Farm

Several new calves have been born on farm the past week or so.  One part of management I have observed the farmer perform was taking their pictures.  He then filed the photos away so if the calf ever lost her ear tag she can be easily identified by her spots.

Seeing The Farmer do this reminded me that it is time to take our yearly agent identification photos.  These will include the new magnetic door scanners and radio frequency id's.

When your group is called please lineup in an orderly fashion.  Let's try not to do like last year when everyone came at once and almost stampeded the photographer.

Remember: No silly poses!  Be prepared!  And try, just try, to be yourself!

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Handsome Dairy Dave and The Bashful Bulls

The Farmer needs a new radio!
I took an opportunity to inspect The Farmer's tractor today while he was out to lunch.  I could not believe what I found: the out of print cassette of Handsome Dairy Dave and the Bashful Bulls Sing Their Hits Live!  I have tried and tried to find it to no avail even with my secret agent resources.

My mama cow was no secret agent; she was a show cow.  She went to all the state fairs around and I was actually born at one with a whole bunch of people watching.  The first music I ever heard was booming right next to us and it Dairy Dave on his farewell tour.  Wow, we heard him sing at several of the fairs that fall, including his signature song, Ice Cream Again.
Memories. memories.

What is hard to believe is that  Dairy Dave and the Bashful Bulls's opening act is such a big star now and I saw him when, if you know what I mean.  Will Gilmer, The Singing Dairyman, was just getting started back then, spreading the good news about dairy farmers and such. Here's one of my favorite of his videos!

Agent 27, reporting from the Udder Side.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Sample of Perspective

My report is all about perspective.  Ummm, let me back up a bit first, which isn't exactly easy for a 1200 lb four-legged bovine, but I can do it.  I was on barn watch this morning when I saw a car stop.  A man exited the car and put little plastic booties over his shoes so he wouldn't contaminate the farm.  That was when I realized it had to be the inspector coming to look at The Farmer's dairy barn.  I peered around the corner for a closer look and saw that he was only getting a milk sample today.  A milk sample can very very important.

Please don't refer to the cow as my boss, Agent 101

Getting back to perspective and the beautiful photo I provided.  The green bottle on the right is just like the one the inspector used to sample the milk with.  So you could see how big the sample was I included the cow.  For those of you who might think the cow is real, I included the quarter on the left.  If you can't figure out how big a quarter is then obviously you couldn't pass the test to be a secret agent like me.

Anyways, that sample of milk will be checked for antibiotics, bacteria, and for the somatic cell count, which is an indicator of milk quality.  One cow's milk could ruin the entire sample and get The Farmer in a lot of trouble.  You have to understand that the sample was taken out of a great big giant milk tank and one cow, just one cow, could pollute the milk and The Farmer would have to throw it away or even be fined.  They can find out a lot about the milk with a very small sample.  Well, The Farmer has done a pretty good job of keeping his milk in good quality so I don't expect this sample to be bad.  As far as the milk from the cows that are agents: top notch.  My boss, Agent 101, has us do random milk screenings all the time.  Trust me, you don't want to disappoint her.  We call her Beastly Bovine, I mean Best Boss all the time.

Agent 428, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Hair Do's and Don'ts

Did you even bother to use a comb?
I've seen a lot of sloppiness the last few days. When I see sloppiness I equate that with poor quality work.  What concerns me even more is that we are due an inspection of this operation by my superiors.  The Farmer is no different in that regard.  He has no warning when the state or federal dairy inspector will come to look at his dairy barn.  Is the milk stored at the right temperature, are the all the milk hoses clean, do the pipelines shine like the sun?  All these and more must be in compliance, and we have rules, too.

Agents, what really brought this on to me is the state of your personal hygiene. Straighten up!  We are not show cows in this operation, but we do have standards.  Cut, comb, or curl your hair!  Whatever it takes to look presentable upon inspection because I believe it is coming soon.
Is this a real cowlick?

Needs a trim!
Passable. Stand in a dark corner.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Employee Break Time

Everyone needs to take a break sometime, even secret agent cows.  It gives you a chance to pause, think, and chew on your food again.  I've found my agents always do better work when they are refreshed.  The Farmer must feel the same. Every afternoon I notice he pauses between chores to get something to drink. On hot days like these chocolate milk might be the most refreshing thing he could drink.

The tree in the photo is the hot spot, or rather the cool spot to be at on a hot day to cool off.  What's interesting about it is that even as little as five years ago you would've seen at least a few cows out there smoking on their breaks.  Ugh, I still remember when The Farmer added NicCudtine (R) supplement to the ration.  It tasted terrible but had excellent results.  The Farmer said healthy cows are productive cows and I couldn't agree more.

Agent 101, taking a break on the Udder Side.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Exiled off Cow Street

In retrospect, we should've checked Google Maps first or at least Fandango.  But we thought, we're Agents of C.A.L.F., we don't need any help.  And now we're exiled to the far side of the farm.  Maybe I should start at the beginning.

My Mama cow told me I should grow up and see the world, be adventurous like Agent Steina in C.A.L.F.   So, I joined up and you know what I found? Boring. Sitting around eating, watching The Farmer do his thing.   My friends and I, we're young, we want to do stuff!  The other day Agent XXX said we should sneak off and go to a drive in movie theater.  Great idea, I thought.  That was until we got lost in the neighbor's field all night long.  And then we found out they don't show movies at the drive in on Tuesday nights anyway.

When we finally got back we were in trouble with a big "T."  Agent 101 read us the riot act and had us exiled.  Now all we can do is walk around this big field, eat grass, and......and..... wait until we're back in her good graces.  Like I said, boring.

Agent XXX, reporting from the Udder Side.  (names redacted by Agent 101)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Stop the Fussing and Fighting

I'm mad and I can't take it any longer.  I'm tired of all the arguing, and I think you are too.  People have been fussing and cussing 'til they're blue in the face and not getting anywhere.  You turn on the tv, yes we've got tv here, latest in high definition technology in fact, and there they are talking about it.  They're arguing in Washington.  They're arguing in Boston and L.A.  For pete's sake, they are all arguing about what's better for you:  white or chocolate.  Milk, that is.

Now, I've heard that Jamie Oliver feller talk about counting calories and eatin' healthy.  But seriously, chocolate milk is a threat to him?  Why he probably thinks chocolate milk comes from brown cows and nonsense like that.  My milk is, well I hate to brag but I will, tasty, delicious, and nutritious.  Packed and fortified with nine, I said nine, essential nutrients.  So, honest to goodness, is a little bit of chocolate on it going to make much difference with all that goodness underneath?

Yesterday while I was testing the new wireless microphone we hid in The Farmer's cap I heard him say something very interesting.  It seems the people that bottle my milk have a new formula for chocolate milk.  It is made with natural sugars and is loooow fat.  Great tastin' for everyone and hopefully everyone can be happy with the nutritional content and stop arguing about the flavor!  Even all those crazy tv people!

Agent 216, reporting from the Udder Side.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Corn, Sweet Corn

I am standing in the middle of a corn field. It takes all my dexterity to walk without trampling any of the corn stalks (perhaps the training from ballet practice has been useful). It takes all my willpower to not take a big chomp out any of the corn, too. Whoever said it was unnatural for a cow to eat corn was obviously not a cow.

I have watched with anticipation as the farmer planted this field back in June.  I waited as the first green tendrils crept through the cracks of the soil reaching skyward.  When there was no rain I cursed the sky.  When The Farmer had the field sprayed for weeds I cheered, "Die weeds, die!"

Now there is only the waiting left.  Waiting for The Farmer to harvest this corn for the silos.  I cannot wait.

Agent 226, reporting from The Udder Side.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Beat the Heat

It has been hot. Hot!  Almost, but only almost, hot enough to make me miss those cold New England winters I had on my first assignments.  The Farmer has been doing his best to cool us down.  While we always have plenty of shade and clean, fresh water I do wonder if he wonder if he's ever considered one of those sprinkler cooling systems.

When the heat advisory went well over 100 degrees I knew I had to do something.  My plan started as most brilliant plans do with a diversion.  I sent nine heifers over the fence and into the neighbor's tall corn field to play hide and seek with The Farmer.  He spent all day going back and forth from his farm to the neighbor's looking for them until he finally led them back home.  We laughed and laughed.  It was perfect.

In the meantime my package arrived and we got it installed in the office.  While it isn't state of the art my office is much much cooler now.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

July 4th Weekend Reminder

This is a reminder that this is the July 4th Weekend.  The Farmer and/or his neighbors may be celebrating Independence Day with fireworks, cookouts, and if they are lucky, homemade ice cream.  Be aware that the "bombs bursting in air" will be fireworks and we are not under attack.  I repeat we are not under any attack.  Please calm any other cows that may be frightened by the lights and sounds.  Remember that regular milking and feeding times will be going on.  The Farmer will be going to work as usual.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Voice

I've always enjoyed singing.  My first memory is from my Momma Cow calling me with her soft melodic moo to come and nurse.  I wanted to become a professional singer but she said no.  "Lil' heifer," she told me "you can always sing but you need a job that will pay the bills."

C.A.L.F. has taught me a lot of things like most cows have 32 teeth (to help with vocal pitch) and may drink fifty gallons of water a day.  I always drink more, especially in the summer, to keep my vocal cords lubricated.  The Farmer provides us with ample fresh clean water in the fields and around the barn lots. That's good because you never know when I might break out in song.

My dream, when I retire from being an agent, is to be on the tv show The Voice. When all three judges spin their chairs to choose me I'll be delighted to go with Blakie.  Until then there's always cow karaoke on Friday nights.

Agent 480, reporting from the Udder Side

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Code Word "June" Not a Threat!

A whole month about us? Seriously?

As it turns out the code word "June" was no threat to our operation or to anyone else.  In actuality the word is in reference to what The Farmer calls the celebration of June Dairy Month.  This is an entire month dedicated to the all-around wonderfulness of all things dairy, including everything made from our perfect milk to us.  Honestly, I never thought he had it in him.

Our research has led us to find other dairy farmers  have also been celebrating their cows and milk products.  Some people are even arguing over what is the best flavor of ice cream when wholesome vanilla is the obvious choice.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Code Word: June

I am writing this to inform all agents that we are at a HIGH threat level.  Recent intelligence has indicated that The Farmer is planning something big.  The details of whatever operation he is taking on are unreliable at this time.  We have confirmed one word of importance that he has received via phone, email, and text.  That word is "June."  We have also confirmed that code word has been in use at other farms across the country.  We believe that "June" is most likely referenced to something going on in the month of June as opposed to a person with that name. Until more intelligence is obtained the threat level will remain at high.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Crop Circles Debunked!

Crop circles? Crop circles?  What about calf circles!  Nothing here was made by aliens from outer space but rather calves out of fields.  Wind from a recent storm blew a tree limb on the fence and pushed it down and some of the local calves climbed on over red rover.  I saw The Farmer take barb wire and fencing tools to go fix it as he always does. Fixing and building fence is like a second full time job for him sometimes.  He and the calves made those marks in the field, not aliens.

This is more inept leadership from Agent 101.  How long are we going to let her lead us around in circles?  But don't look at me because I'm still out on night duty.

Agent 472, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

(Kind of) Crop Circles?

Agent 167 was first on the scene and reported what she saw at once.  I led a specially chosen team to do a first hand investigation and I can definitively state that all of our observations indicated that these crop symbols are not of this world.

I have read about crop circles that are man made and those reported to be made by aliens.  What do they mean?  Why did they come here?  What is the message and who is it for?  These questions we will do our best to answer.  Agent 167 has come to her own conclusion that their may be life out there but it isn't intelligent.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Almost a Bed of Roses

There's no way to describe this other than a blatant abuse of powers.  I want everything in this world to look nice and I certainly believe that cleanliness is next to bovineness, but this was too much.  Agent 101 bought bags of flower seed to plant in our night pasture field.  When everyone else is thinking about debt reduction and how to spend money wisely she wasted our budget on flowers for us to lay down on when we sleep.

Now I've been on missions at several different farm locations.  I have slept on soft mattresses, sandy areas that reminded me of the beach, and even comfy cozy water beds.  Cow comfort has come a long way.  Personally, I do enjoy sleeping outside on pasture.  I like quiet walks underneath the stars, holding hooves in the moonlight.....

Agent 411, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, April 25, 2011

No Rest For The Wicked

I'll be the first to admit that I started the disagreement.  And when I say disagreement Agent 101 says insubordination.  Then she demoted me to night duty.  That's okay, I've done it before, several times in fact.  My job is to walk the fence line at night while most of the other cows and agents are sleeping in the pasture field.  I don't mind it, in fact I enjoy the solitude.  What is my problem, however, is The Farmer.

That is The Farmer unloading fresh cut silage into the blower going up into the silo.  All day long he chops and hauls wagon after wagon back and forth to the field to be unloaded.  Did I mention this goes on all day long?  The noise is driving me crazy.  I can't sleep I can't sleep I can't sleep.  I know I should be glad the The Farmer is harvesting feed for all the cows on the farm to eat, but it is hard to be appreciative when all you want is a little peace and quiet.

Agent 472, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Recon MIssion

I have pondered on what lay over the hill since beginning our mission here.  We have been so busy getting set up that I had not been able to see what The Farmer does over there.  Yesterday a package arrived from the C.A.L.F. main office.  It contained the GX9000 digital camera I had been dying to get ever since I saw it in the Acme Spys-R-Us catalog.  I sent Agent 325 on a recon mission.  I knew I could always count on her to do a good job.  She had recently been turned dry and would not be likely missed during the day.  Agent 325 may not be milking during her dry period before calving, but it is no excuse to not carry out her duties, pregnant or not.

While she did not find any dirt on The Farmer, Agent 325 found plenty growing in the dirt.  Wheat, rye, and ryegrass were found in several fields.

It may look like ordinary grass to the layperson, but these crops will soon be chopped and fermented in the silos to be sweet silage.  Even if I was not an agent of C.A.L.F. I would be excited to find this out.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

All Work and No Ballet Make for a Dull Cow

Older Agent 377 Practicing an Arabesque

Farm work is hard on everyone, and you don't have to be an undercover bovine spy to know that.  Day in and day out in all types of weather can be a stressful life is you don't take some time for yourself.  The agents of C.A.L.F. are no different.  In order to relieve stress and anxiety I have ordered mandatory ballet lessons for all agents.

It is unknown to most people that the bovine body form is one of the most graceful of God's creatures.  With our long straight backlines, our feminine faces, and our graceful legs, we are powerful dancers.  Oh, the joy of watching a group of cows in motion warms the heart.

I have heard The Farmer say many times that to be productive you must be a happy, healthy cow.  A 1,500 pound bovine producing more milk than a high school football team can drink in a day needs to be in shape.  The Farmer makes sure that a nutritionist keeps a well balanced diet coming to us daily.  And if a little ballet on top of that can help us stay healthy and perform our mission better I'm sure he'll never be the wiser.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Quality Not Quantity

When fresh hay is served up to the herd it is almost impossible to get any work done.  I have a list of jobs for all the agents to be working on, but when they here the skid steer coming to put hay in the manger they forget everything I've taught them.  We have to focus on what we are here to do.

The Farmer seems to always stay focused.  He is constantly checking his equipment to make sure it is maintained well. We have also intercepted his internet data and have seen that he checks his milk stats almost daily.  He can go online and see the results of the quality tests on the milk being shipped to find out if anything needs to be tweaked or given extra attention.  That is quality control.

Now I am dealing with quantity control.  As soon as the quantity of hay is diminished I'll be able to get some work out of these agents.  I'll let them eat now and enjoy it, then they'll be happy to finish their jobs.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Back To Basics

After last week's terrible report from Agent 214, I decided she needed to be sent back for more training.  She mooed and complained about it.  She said she would do better and did not need to go back to training, but I knew better.  Sometimes we all need to get back to basics.

The Farmer, I've noticed, does no work like he was twenty years in the past, either.  I know he makes an effort to stay up-to-date on all types of dairy and farming information.  The Farmer attends seminars put on by state extension agents, and attends other farm group meetings.  Being involved is a great way to be in the know, and to get ahead.  The new things The Farmer learns at these meetings can help him become a better steward of the animals and the land, as well as make the farm itself more profitable.

Now it is time for me to get back to basics and practice my knitting.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.