Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween, Trick-or-Treaters, and Zombies

There are some things you just learn from experience.  After leading this group of secret agents for a while I know that I should not expect any hard work done on Halloween so it is best to just let them have the night off.  They're all too excited about ghosts, ghouls, and other scary things anyway.  This year they rented the first season of that new zombie tv show.

 I hope none of them get too scared to go to sleep tonight.  All I need is a bunch of "tough" secret agents whining that there's not enough flashlights for each of them.

What I have never understood about Halloween is the whole trick-or-treating thing. Why dress up and pretend to be something you are not?  It really reminds me of the dairy aisle at the grocery store.  I'm talking about those soy and rice drinks dressed up in cartons and pretending to be milk.  They will never be as completely nutritious and delicious as real genuine milk from me.

Don't be tricked on Halloween or any other day.  Make sure you're getting yourself a dairy good treat.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Cow Myths

My particular job in the C.A.L.F. operation is in the IT department.  I keep watch over what The Farmer does on his computer.  I also spend a considerable amount of time looking for anyone on the internet talking about any of our agents and about things related to cows and dairy.  I find it is unfortunate that so many myths about us are out there so I decided to dispel a few of them.

1. Brown cows make chocolate milk.
Not true.  Seriously, you can feed a cow all the chocolate she can eat and her milk is still going to come out white.  You can add the tasty flavoring of your choice to your own tall glass of milk.  I actually prefer strawberry!

2. Only bulls have horns.
The truth is that bulls and heifers (males and females) can be born with horns. The Farmer will remove the horns when calves are young to prevent them from endangering others.  He would probably prefer that all of his cattle were polled, that is that they are born without horns.  Now, an agent like me would never use her horns to knock another cow out of the way so I could get more feed or stick The Farmer is his rear-end if he was bothering me.  

3. Cattle are God's favorite animals.
This one is true.  Have you never heard of the sacred cow or holy cow?

4. Cows change their colors like leaves in the fall.
Not true at all.  We stay the way we were born, although some of us, myself included, always wanted red hair.

5. Milk is full of antibiotics.
This is totally false.  Any milk that leaves the farm cannot have antibiotics in it.  All milk is tested for antibiotics before the processor even accepts it from the farm.

6. Dolphins are smarter than cows.
That's just propaganda put out by the pro-dolphin lobby groups.

7. Milk is full of hormones.
Concerned about hormones in milk? You should probably worry more about the teenagers at the local high school dance than the jug of milk in the refrigerator. The truth is, believe it or not, there are naturally occurring hormones in a lot of foods.  For example there are 11 nanograms of estrogen in a 32 oz glass of milk compared to a whopping 454 in raw peas!  Where are the pea police at?

8. Farmers are cruel and inhumane to cows.
I can tell you this: sick and hurt cows don't make milk. That's a fact.  Why would any dairyman strike the proverbial hand that feeds him?  I have observed The Farmer doing his best to keep us healthy and content so we can make milk freely.

You can find more myths dispelled at SUDIA , at the Dairy Council of California, and at the NHGSDP.

Agent 463, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Spy vs Spy?

I can honestly say that the last few days have been wild.  A week ago The Farmer separated me from the rest of the dry cows.  I had been with them for about fifty days doing my reporting there.  Not much to say, mostly we just hung out, ate, and slept.  When The Farmer moved me I thought, uh-oh, what's going on here? Then the weird thing happened: he started spying on me!

Seriously, The Farmer was always looking up in the field I was in to check on me or slowing down in his truck to watch me.  He was almost a stalker.  But then my time came.  Maybe I should say my calf's time came.  While The Farmer was doing all his watching, I felt confident he would come in and assist me if I had needed any help while calving.  I know this had to be true because when my calf was totally clueless about how to get started nursing, The Farmer was there to guide him to me to get my colostrum, my first milk, which is like super-duper milk, full of good stuff to get my calf off to a great start.

My question is who is spying on whom?

Agent 150, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Don't Forget About Blog Action Day Focus on Food

Okay, have you ever woke up in the middle of the night remembering you forgot to do something?  I didn't do that.  I finally woke up after pressing the snooze button about five times (I'm usually a three snoozes kind of bovine) and remembered that I was supposed to have something to say about Blog Action Day's focus on food. Sooo......Ummm.......Milk is healthy.  And nutritious.  And milk is totally awesome. Totally awesome.

Facts..right, there should be some facts.  Alright, uh, fact #1 I stayed up way too late last night and I still have not taken my curlers out of my hair this morning. Fact #2 I'm a cow.  Fact #3 A cow's job is to make milk.  Fact #4 Milk is full of protein, vitamins, minerals, and is better than sports drinks after a hard workout. Okay, that's good enough.

So, go celebrate Blog Action Day with your favorite dairy products.  Me, I'm off to find a double iced milk coffee thing.

Agent 401, reporting from the Udder Side

Monday, October 10, 2011

Ladies Night

Okay, this is not what it looks like.  Unless you think it looks like we are getting totally busted for being outside of our field again.  And if that's what you see then it is exactly what it looks like.  We had been being good little heifers and following the rules, but when we heard they were having Ladies Night at The Cattle Trough we couldn't resist.  I know, I know, it isn't the classiest establishment you could go to but they were having bicarb soda drinks (good for the digestion and complexion) and my favorite alfalfa appetizers.  We also heard a rumor that some sons of Planet were going to be there but they didn't show up.

We were practically back in our field when The Farmer arrived.  I don't know how he got tipped off that we had slipped off but there he was anyway.  The Farmer is always out checking fences and sawing down any tree branches that might fall on them so we can't "accidentally" walk off.  He also counts us every morning like he's studying for a real hard kindergarten test or something.  Maybe that's one of the ways he shows he cares.

Agent 742, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Working 9 to 5

9 to 5 Starring Agent 459

Honestly, I didn't think they could pull it off.  I planned on giving Agent 459 the blame, but I suppose she deserves the credit now.  With summer and the hottest weather over she wanted to do something fun with the other cows.  As they say, Agent 459 ain't from around here.  She hails from a dairy near New York City where she often sneaked out to see off-Broadway plays.  When she organized a musical production of Dolly Parton's 9 to 5  you can guess who got to play the lead role!

The cows here do not actually work 9 to 5.  They have plenty of opportunities  to eat and drink at their leisure.  They also get long rests out on the pasture.  That must be why they have the energy to do this show.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.