Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Real Value of Milk

Have you ever had the feeling you were being watched?

As  I retraced my steps from the day before I received the blackmail note, I realized what had been bothering me. Our "feline friends" on the farm had been watching us. They were always around and always had their tails and eyes moving. The cats were the anonymous blackmailers. The question was how would we be able to keep them from spilling our secrets without the situation turning ugly?

I entered negotiations with the cats. It turns out The Farmer is not the only one who knows the real value of milk. While the cats were aware of the great nutritional benefits of milk, which includes nine of the essential nutrients recommended by the USDA, they were much more interested in the taste. With that we were able to reach an agreement. They would keep our secret and we would provide them with a small daily supply of milk.

And maybe this means that bovines and felines will get along on this farm.

Agent 417, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Secrets and Lies

I found this note when I woke up this morning and immediately reported it to Agent 101.  What does it mean? Do they know my secrets? Like how I'm embarrassed to admit I've read the Twilight series at least five times?  Or is this more likely about the secret agents of C.A.L.F.?  How did they find out our secrets and what do they hope to gain? Will they tell The Farmer? Blackmail. Treachery. Deceit. The mind races at what the ulterior motives could be.  Perhaps the biggest question is who sent it?

The Farmer? Could he be the mastermind behind this? Unlikely. He's been very busy with farm work and has had several dairy meetings he's attended lately. He's behind on his chores and we are always careful when he's watching anyway.  I don't believe he is behind this.

A rogue agent perhaps?  One who has trouble following the rules or fulfilling her tasks? Resentful to the group. Resentful to the cause.  Hmmmmm... Agent 101 asked me to follow up as best I could and report back only to her.

Perhaps I can retrace my steps from the last few days and try to recall anyone or anything that seemed a little off. I woke up, slowly as usual, and walked in for morning silage. I nibbled on the remains of the hay and went in for the morning milking. More silage followed and a nap out on pasture. Then I came in for some more hay and....and.... something.  I remember something that was out of place. That's where I will start my investigation.

Agent 417, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

A New Hope On the Dairy

I was on duty this morning watching The Farmer scraping the lots and hauling it all away. He calls it Waste Removal and Nutrient Management.  All of that manure will really improve the quality of his crop land, but watching him do it over and over is what I call monotonous. It did create a great opportunity for me to work on my screenplay,  A New Hope On The Dairy.

"A long time ago on a farm far, far away.." is how it starts.  My villain is the evil Darth Acre who wants to rule the galaxy by destroying all dairy farms and thus the supply of milk and calcium. Without it all the people's bones will get weak and he will easily crush them. A young dairyman, Luke Skymilker, works on a family farm with his aunt and uncle and their trusty robot milkers, Cheese-3PO and R2-Cheese-2.  When their farm becomes threatened he decides to join Rebel Farmers, a dairy cooperative made up of all sizes and types of farms, led by Leia Organic.

They would not be successful without the intervention of the local veterinarian, old Doc Kenobi, who teaches Luke how the calcium in milk builds strong bones. "Use the milk, Luke, to defeat Darth Acre," he tells the young dairyman.  Along the way a farm machinery dealer, Han Silo and his shaggy looking parts manager, Chew-baccer, join them in the fight.

May the milk be with you!

Agent 477, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Going For the Gold

Fences make good neighbors.  Fences make good boundaries.  Fences are also fun to jump.  The Farmer may not agree with that.  Actually he's mostly complained and complained.  Sure sometimes a tree fell on the fence, but other times it was my fault as I began my training regimen.

In about 200 days the 2012 Cow-Olympics will begin in London.  This is not something to be taken lightly.  My mama cow was a world class high jumper and I intend to follow in her hoofsteps.

I am glad The Farmer feeds a well-balanced ration to us, but that is not enough. I have to train. I mean I have to train daily.   I have to practice my running and jumping as much as I can.  If that means The Farmer is going to have to rebuild fences every now and then when I miss, then so be it.  I'm going for the gold, ma, watch me go!

Agent 162, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2011's Most Dogeared Reports

While I am always impressed by The Farmer's good records of calving dates, milk weights, etc; I am always disappointed in that his office looks like the epicenter of a terrible disaster.  As I've said before, cleanliness is next to boviness.  That is why it irritates me to know end when other agents come into my office and make a mess.  I had all of the 2011 reports filed away nicely and now several are all dogeared and crinkled up.  These must be the most read of the year.

Get Smart By Eating Dairy Products

Cow Myths

Dear Rudolph

New Year's Resolutions

I hope 2012 will be a much cleaner and neater year if only in my office.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.