Saturday, May 26, 2012

Cows In Black

My name is Special Agent C. I came to this farm to investigate reports of crop circles and UFOs. I have not been able to find any alien activity of any kind. I did find some agents of C.A.L.F. and some other normal cows producing normal milk. I observed The Farmer working and taking care of his animals, too.

While I was here I decided to ask The Farmer a few questions:

  • Does your milk contain antibiotics? He said that sometimes he did have to treat sick animals with antibiotics when they didn't respond to other treatment, but that he was not allowed to sell any milk that contained antibiotics.
  • Does your milk contain hormones? He replied that most foods do have naturally occurring hormones in them, including milk. He said that while an approved man made version of a hormone that a cow makes on her own can be given to help produce more milk that he did not use it and that most milk is now sold as "rbst free" for consumer preference.
  • Are your cows treated well? Healthy cows make lots of milk was his answer and that was his goal. He also said his farm had gone through some kind of gold standard review to make sure it met criteria on cow care as well as on environmental concerns.

Then The Farmer had a few questions for me, like what's a black sunglasses wearing cow doing on his farm and how was it able to talk? I adjusted my sunglasses, held up my neuralyzer wand and said, "Look into this light and I'll answer all your questions."

Special Agent C, Cow in Black

Special Agent C, reporting from the Udder Side.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Cow Party Crashers

As reported on ABC News......

Cows Crash Mass. Beer Party and Drink Up

Massachusetts police responding to a call from a neighborhood party found out that they had, very literally, some wild animals on their hands.
Police in Boxford, Mass., arrived at the scene of a backyard party on Sunday night to find six cows helping themselves to a table full of beer

I am very sorry to report that some of the cattle involved in this incident that appeared on ABC News radio were indeed agents of C.A.L.F. They were actually supposed to be attending a Graze Like You Mean It seminar.

All agents involved in this are on lock down pending further review.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Graduating To The Milking Herd

Each year The Farmer has several new graduates from the heifer herd to the milking herd. This year I went to the graduation ceremonies and was quite pleased with the commencement speech by the valedictorian, #245. These are the types of cows I want to recruit for C.A.L.F. Here is an excerpt of her speech:

My friends I come to you with high hopes for all of us and a humble heart to be speaking in front of you. We have worked hard alongside one another for the last two, perhaps three years. Now, we have joined the milking herd (loud applause). It has not been easy, some of us have been blessed with better genetics than others, and yet we still have the commonality among us that we are dairy cows.

First let us give thanks to The Farmer who has cared for us these long years. (loud applause). He made sure we nursed our mama cows when we were born to get that colostrum to get us off to a great start. He fed us  grain and hay and put us on green green pasture where we were free to roam. Now, we follow the path of our mama cows before us and give back to The Farmer by way of our milk.

My fellow graduates we can make the world a better place. We can create change. Our milk can make the world a better place. Our milk can build strong teeth and bones. It can help reduce the risk of osteoporosis, cancer, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes and obesity. Milk can also bring joy to people's lives. Ice cream on a hot summer day or a large milkshake with two straws for sharing. 

My friends we are the future. Let us join the milking herd and be proud of these accomplishments and those yet to come!

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I Heart Mom

Mother's Day is almost upon us and I hope no one forgets about who brought us here. The Farmer, luckily, did not forget. I saw him bringing flowers for both his own mom and for his kids to give to his wife. I found something I know my momma cow will like. I got her the new T. Zweber farmance (farmer romance) novel, How Green Was My Tractor. It is about how a farmer's love for his tractor nearly costs him his farm, his marriage, and his life. She loves that kind of mushy, melodramatic stuff.

Momma is just a regular cow and lives on a farm in Kentucky. She's always bragging about the family that runs it and how the man there really cares for his cows and takes special care for the expecting mothers. Momma even sent me this video to explain.

 Agent  2256, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Unplugging the Social Cow

Hi, I'm Agent 451 and I'm addicted to social media. My view of the world is through my cell phone camera with Instagram colored eyes. Life has little meaning if my thoughts are not liked, retweeted, plused, or pinned. There. I said it.

I give credit or blame, depending on your point of view, of my current predicament to The Dairy Mom. You see after this report I will be banned from the use of the internet for the forseeable future by my boss, Agent 101.

It all began when Agent 101 read The Dairy Mom's blog post A Day in the Life of a Cow. Here's an excerpt that contains the line that got me in trouble.

Ever wonder what a cow does all day? She leads a pampered life spending the majority of her time resting. 

A typical cow on our farm allocates her time to these activities;
    12 ½ hours/day lying down and resting
    10 hours/day eating, drinking, chewing cud, exercising and socializing
    1 ½ hours/day in the milking parlor

Only 10 hours a day that socializing can be included in? Seriously, is that all? Do these farmers know what could happen in those other 14 hours a day that I have to know about? What about the things I need to tell others about my thoughts and my doings? Probably I wouldn't have gotten in trouble if I had not laid out from one milking. I had been up all night reading status updates and just fell asleep. I couldn't help it.

Agent 101 has checked up on all the cows and made sure they are receiving the proper care from The Farmer and getting all of their correct hours in. So far The Farmer is doing his job and I'm the only cow out of line. I would tweet about it, but you know I can't now.

While I am cut off from all my social media outlets at least I can still catch up on news the old fashioned way by going to The Hay Buffet. There's always a crowd there eating, chewing their cud, and socializing on their way to and from being milked. I hope The Dairy Mom is happy.

Agent 451, reporting from The Udder Side.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Moonin' Over Cinco de Mayo

Super Moon is still not that super close

Let me first reiterate news for those agents that did not read my weekly newsletter: we are experiencing a Super Moon. While the moon is closer to the Earth it is not close enough to jump. I repeat it is not close enough to jump! I felt the need to remind you of this because I didn't want anyone to get carried away during Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

Speaking of the 5th of May, we seem to have a small party problem. The sour cream and cheese were so delicious in our Southwest Pepperjack Chicken Quesadillas for the party that I ate it all while sampling it it has all disappeared. I need two volunteers to either raid The Farmer's Wife's kitchen or run to town for to pick up some more ingredients. We want our party to be a success!

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.