Monday, April 28, 2014

Dairy Cows' April Poetry Month Slam

Cow Poetry Month Slam 

Literary cows? You better believe it! We felt like we had to do something big for Poetry Month this April so we had our first annual poetry slam. It wasn't a contest, but rather a sharing of thoughts, musings, and recitations in front of the herd. Here's the one that almost brought the barn roof down:

Dairy Barn
Don't you think that it's crazy how people think
All that fake dairy is just as good as mine
Because I'm the best at milking it, milking it
Giving people the best is what I want
And it's got all kinds of nutrients, it's full of it
You can get plenty of protein on what I've wrought
Nothing will ever beat me

Baby drink the glass down
And I'll be the cow mooing you a cheer
Make a big bowl of ice cream and see how well you share (yeah)
Dairy's so healthy, let me make myself real clear
We're going down to the dairy barn, we're milking it like yeah (yeah)

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Phantom Cow

Just when you thought it was safe to go to bed at night the phantom cow is ready to start causing you problems. She roams the roads and country sides, only to be seen under the light of the moon. Some say that like the mermaids singing their siren songs and leading sailors to their doom, the phantom cow moos a sad moo across a field and leaves farmers worrying enough to come looking. Others claim they were driving and the cow suddenly appeared in the road causing them to brake and attempt to avoid her and just before the moment of impact she evaporated into the darkness like fog clearing after a rain. 

Only Known Photo of the Phantom Cow

Many folks have seen a cow out and contacted a farmer to alert him to it, but the farmer knows better. He knows that if he goes and looks he might find one of his own cows in the road. But if he does not, then he knows the ghostly apparition has come to haunt his farm until the moon's cycle ends. 

The Farmer was suspicious that the phantom cow had paid him a visit, however, this time it was only old 222 who had been searching for the supposed greener grass on the other side of the fence. She was real and he brought her back home. Luck was on his side this night. I sure don't want her on our farm.

If you believe that you have the phantom cow visiting your farm or want to prevent her from coming there is only one thing you can do. The story goes that a farmer who had been plagued by the phantom cow had sought out the help of an old gypsy woman. She listened intently as he explained how the bovine spectre brought panic to him and his neighbors. The gypsy was said to have gone outside to speak some kind of ancient language to her own personal milk cow. And most importantly, her cow gave her the answer. 

The gypsy woman went back to her encampment and by the light of the bonfire her friends made she dug through the contents of a wooden trunk. After what seemed like an eternity to the desperate farmer, the gypsy retrieved three items and held them up in the firelight. In her hands were three simple glass goblets.

The gypsy instructed him that he and his family should each drink three servings of dairy a day, and not only would the phantom cow leave, but they would also reap rewards in life so great that others would pronounce them lucky. 

The farmer and his family and neighbors took the gypsy's advice and they never saw the phantom cow again. They also were said to be the healthiest people in the area, but not everyone knew what they did to make it all happen. 

Does the idea of a phantom cow leave you in a panic? On a cold, moon filled night could you resist the call of her moos across the pasture? Are you brave enough to look into an unliving bovine's eyes and find out what's really on the other side?

Take heed, my friends! Take heed! I urge you to follow the gypsy's advice. Do not be wary when you get three servings of dairy! Then you will be more than healthy, wealthy, and wise, because you will survive.

Agent 272, reporting from the Udder Side.

Photo of goblet: By User Ryanrs on en.wikipedia (Copyright Ryan Salsbury 2004.) [GFDL ( or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons