Monday, April 30, 2012

Jump The Moon With Chocolate Milk

Hey diddle diddle
The cat had no fiddle

The cow couldn't make the jump over the gate

The Farmer was mad to see such a sight
And replaced it with one in good shape.

Okay, everyone notices when you fail, but who congratulated me on the 347 times I jumped that gate without touching it at all? That's right, nobody. It is tough training for the 2012 Cow-Olympics and  I have been practicing and practicing my high jumping skills.

I'm not just going to be a competitor over there either, I'm going as an educator, a spokes-cow if you will. My big plan in London while I'm watching the People Olympics is to show them the value of chocolate milk as a recovery drink. When the world's greatest athletes realize their potential with my choco-moo-juice, then everyone else will, too!

You can read about the benefits of chocolate milk as a recovery drink at Fitness Magazine. There are folks from Cleveland to Texas raving about how great it is for working out. Even more research proves that what's good for a man is also good for a woman! So, drink up the chocolate milk, ladies!

Now I've got to get back to my workout routine and hopefully (for The Farmer, anyway!) I won't mess up any more gates!

Agent 162, reporting from the Udder Side.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Bovine Bomb Squad

By the time The Farmer would arrive everything would be disguised. He would only see what he wanted to see, what we wanted him to see: careless calves that had chewed on the wiring of his tractor. But in reality, this was no time for carelessness.

Explosives are nothing to laugh about. To be a professional bovine secret agent you have to be schooled in many arts. No situation should be too much for you and your hooves to handle. Case in point today's lesson: how to defuse a bomb. A pretend bomb has been rigged to The Farmer's tractor for new agents to practice on. 
Whatever you do don't cut the green wire! (Which green wire!?!)
A good agent is like a boy scout in that they should always be prepared and have access to the proper tools.

Bomb Defusing Tools

Being able to deal with extreme situations and volatile issues should make other tasks easy.

The Farmer would never have to do something as dangerous as defusing a bomb. Working on a dairy farm does have risks, however, and safety precautions should always be taken to minimize them. Safety first is exactly what we have seen when The Farmer brings his children to work with him.  We have overheard him say that it is very important for the kids to see what life is like on a farm and take part in the jobs that are appropriate for them to do.

His kids will reap the rewards of the life lessons they have learned on the farm for years to come.  It is unfortunate that the U.S. Department of Labor would like to curtail opportunities youth have by working on the farm.  I say let them get their hands dirty.

We'll take care of the bombs and dangerous stuff so The Farmer and his kids can take care of the rest.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.


It would seem this report made a tremendous impact on the powers that be and the Dept of Labor has withdrawn their proposal. 

Who said COWS don't make a difference?

Agent 101, gloating from the Udder Side.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Earth Day, The Farmer, and a Sing-a-long

I know there are a bunch of polluters, haters, and takers out there and they need to see the error of their ways, but I don't get into Earth Day that much. The Farmer has his faults. We know this because we've heard The Farmer's Wife recite them loudly and often. Taking care of the land and resources doesn't make that list.

I'm sure no one is going to call The Farmer Captain Planet or anything, but the earth is probably his most valuable resource. He must use good judgement with the land as it provides for his way of life. From the crops he raises for our feed to the water we and his family drink from the wells, everything must be kept safe.
Everyday is like Earth Day for a farmer.

The Farmer is always looking for ways to use less energy, water, and other inputs and still get great results. He uses our naturally produced fertilizer that you can see in the picture to put back on his fields to raise his crops. I think that means we are doing our part, too, giving back to nature and stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, some of the other cows and I are going to go practice singing Reduce, Reuse, Recycle for our big sing-a-long tomorrow.

Agent 213, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Dairy Farming Should Be #1

Boring, boring, boring day on the farm. Nothing to do but wait and wait around. After the evening milking I finally sat down at the computer to work on some past due reports. And do a little web surfing, of course. For research purposes only, right?

Then I came across a list of jobs from best to worst and dairy farming was listed at darn near the bottom according to some crazy people. As if working with me would be horrible? I'm a likable cow. I make milk. Lots of milk. What else would you rather be doing than hanging out with me?

I think this list must be backwards. Software engineer is first, followed by actuary and human resources manager. Can you explain what they do without googling them like I did? Hopefully everyone knows that dairy farmers supply milk and ice cream and cheese and... well you get the picture.

So I emailed this to The Farmer, anonymously of course, to see what he would do. From our secret spy cam in his office I watched him create the rebuttal that follows this report.

Agent 219, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Ordering From The Hay Barn

We had all noticed that The Farmer was beginning to get a little low on hay. It has not yet been warm enough to bale some here on the farm so we decided to help him look for some hay to purchase. We quickly found The Hay Barn and their fantastic menu.

The problems came after that, however. Arguments over which type we should get ensued. What goes best with corn silage? Square bales or round bales? Large bales or small bales? What about nutrient and moisture content of the hay? Taste, taste, taste, and flavor. What were we to do?

As it turns out none of this really mattered. The Farmer had already purchased some from another hay dealer. Was it some of the fancy hay we were looking at? No, but the bottom line was that the hay was tasty. I'm pretty sure that's all that counts for most us. Especially me.

Agent 234, reporting from the Udder Side.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fool's Calf

My boss, Agent 101, is a lot like Hannibal from the A-Team in that they both "love it when a plan comes together." You can probably tell from the photo that this is where my plan fell apart.

It all started with a dare, but isn't that the way trouble sometimes starts? Some of us junior agents were daring each other to do something to The Farmer for April Fool's Day. One dared us to get out of our stall and run around in the hallway of the calf barn. I said I'd do one better than that. I said I'd go up the stairs to the hay loft and hide. Then when The Farmer came in and realized I was gone I'd "moo" from up there and scare him half to death.

I had used my secret spy issued skeleton key to escape my stall and almost started up the stairs when it happened. When he happened. When The Farmer walked in. He turned his head sideways, confused, and escorted me back to my stall. The laugh from the other calves was on me and I was the April Fool.

Agent 2423, reporting from the Udder Side.