Monday, August 27, 2012

Selling Ads For The Drought

Let me start by saying I'm not some sort of "Nascar-Cow," but it sure does look like I'm at the beginning stages. This is The Farmer's response to the drought. Let me explain.

The good news for The Farmer is that in spite of a very, very dry June his July had rain. His corn was late and although the ears may be half full, I think he is counting his blessings that he has it. The other crops and grasses have been growing and I've been like a lawnmower mowing.

But The Farmer has watched the price of corn go through the roof and his feed salesman even came by to tell how it is already raising feed prices. I think that is what he most fearful of in the coming months and I'm not sure how he can stretch his milk check any farther.

The Farmer decided he might want to get pro-active about how to handle this. That's why he's selling ads on the sides of his cows like billboards on the interstate, or dare I say it again, like Nascar does to raise money. So far he has not had any takers, and while we feel his pain, no cows are complaining.

Agent 465, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Cow Week Cancelled

The best way to explain it is to say that it was all probably a misunderstanding. But let me start at the beginning....

The Discovery Channel has had a huge success with Shark Week every year. When they read that you are more likely to die from a bovine than a shark, statistically speaking, they thought it would be a great opportunity to make more money with a new group of shows and call it Cow Week to show how mean and deadly cows can be.

They had begun negotiations with us a few months ago to star in one of those new reality tv shows. Dr. Temple Grandin, the famous cow handling expert, had even been approached to produce/host/be-a-part of the show. But then it all fell through.

Gentleman Farmers Treat Cows Like Ladies To Keep Them Calm

Perhaps a slight exaggeration, but that was what I heard the Discovery Channel man tell his boss on his cellphone and it pretty much ended the show right there. He found out there isn't much that can be sensationalized about dairy cows the way he wanted. He asked a lot of questions and was kind of disappointed when he found out the truth about how The Farmer works to keep us happy, not angry, and how there wasn't much "deadly force" being used anywhere.

The Farmer has mostly gotten it figured out that if he does things our way we'll do what he wants. That isn't so hard is it? There's no reason then for us to be upset and take it out on him. Most of the other farmers have that figured out, too. They do many things around here to keep us happy and comfortable.

I insist on fresh cucumber slices from the
garden for my spa treatment!
We do find it rather comfortable here on the farm. Cow comfort is a pretty big issue for dairy farmers. I'm not going to say it is exactly spa-like here, but farmers are always trying different things out to make it easier on us. Some argue that sand is the best thing for us to lay on, some lucky girls have water beds, and then there is the classic grassy pasture that others prefer.

Farmers put grooves in the concrete we walk on so that it is easier for us to get traction. Others put down rubber mats for their cows to walk on. They build gates and corrals and such so that it is easy for us to find our way on our own and no one gets mad. Some farmers have fans blowing to help us keep our cool. I've even seen a farm with a back rubbing machine! How relaxing is that?

We've got cool fresh water available just about everywhere a bovine could want. The Farmer has feed, a hay buffet, and tasty silage for us to chow down on all the time. He even plays the radio in the calf barn for the baby calves so they don't get bored. I'd say it is the little things that count.

Comfort, comfort, comfort.

These are the things that make us want to make more milk. Maybe The Farmer has picked up a thing or two from being married with kids. You know, if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy. That applies to dairy cows and I think he understands.

Would I describe The Farmer as a gentleman farmer? Hmm, I don't know, he doesn't wear a suit like I think of some ol-timey gentleman wearing. Does he try really hard to treat us like ladies? With the exception of the slip of a coarse word we've heard him mumble to himself on occasion I'd say he does a fair job.

None of this impressed the Discovery Channel people. When they saw a bunch of calm cows wondering around eating, being milked, and sleeping out on the pasture I thing they figured it out: no fussing and no fighting here! Maybe I was a little disappointed when they cancelled Cow Week, but I've heard the camera adds one hundred pounds to a cow and I don't think I could stand to see myself like that everyday!

Agent 414, reporting from the Udder Side.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Cow Karaoke

Yes, I've seen the pictures and I know how it looks. It looks like a couple of friends and I came in late out of the field and tried to sneak in with the other cows by going through the little gate.

What if I told you we had been out on a top secret mission? Would you believe that? I mean one that was so classified that I would be exiled for telling?

That wouldn't be exactly true, either.

Umm, what if I said we were out celebrating the fact that new research says that three servings of dairy a day may reduce some types of cancer? That's worth celebrating, I think. Milk, cheese, and ice cream are tasty and even better for you than you thought. It is just one more way that nature's most perfect food, milk produced by moi, is totally awesome!

So, if we got carried away in our celebration by doing some karaoke and came to work a little late nobody would call us crazy, right? Okay, here's what we sang:

Get me on a stage with a microphone and I just can't stop!

Agent 480, reporting from the Udder Side.

(Original Karaoke Photo Credit)

Monday, August 6, 2012

Olympic Gold Milk

Competing at a world class level in high jumping at the 2012 Cow Olympics has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Although I did not win a medal, just to compete at this level in the high jump has been great and I know my momma cow would be proud.

But this trip to London has not been all about me. I have been happily spreading the good news about chocolate milk to everyone that doesn't mind meeting a talking cow. I tell them that chocolate milk is the best recovery drink you can find and what better place is there to put it to the test than at the Olympics?

I finally got the attention of some reporters and they just wouldn't take me seriously. I said to them "Ya'll need to go see Jessica Hardy. She'll tell you how it has been working wonders for her." And luckily one of them did. But don't just take it from me, go read Chocolate Milk? At the Olympic Pool It's the Drink of Champions.

Agent 162, reporting from the Udder Side.