Milk For Christmas

Are you looking for the perfect Christmas present? Diamonds, darling, used to be a girl's best friend, but no more. Don't even think about things with a cord (washer, crockpot, or iron) if you wish to have a pleasent new year.

What is a great gift? What about one that shows you care about your loved one's health? One that proves you want them to live long and spend the rest of their life with you? What is that special gift?

Thankful For Honesty

Last week everyone had the opportunity to reflect on the things they are thankful for. Me? I could easily say a clean water trough and a fresh scoop of feed and getting to hear Shake It Off one more time. Well, there are somethings I suppose I'm not thankful for. Perhaps I should be thankful for honesty.

Dear Starbucks, About That #OrganicMilkNext

"Are you getting your usual White Chocolate Mocha, Bessie?"

Dear Starbucks,

We love your coffee and wish The Farmer would serve it to us on a regular basis.  Over the weekend we saw quite a bit of chatter over your use of milk with your delicious coffee particularly with the #OrganicMilkNext hashtag.

Hidden Farmer Cam

Nothing beats documentation when you want to prove animal abuse. Let us introduce Exhibit A, the hidden farmer camera from last week in the calf barn.

WATCH CLOSELY!

Butter, Meat, and Cheese Are Good For You?!?

No, you are not living in The Matrix. I am talking about how all the stuff you've gone to great lengths to exclude from your diet has been wrong. 

Ice Cream and Science

Two terrible things can happen in the middle of summer: you can get stupid from being out of school and you can get hot. But what if you could cure both of those ills with one delicious treat? Hmmmm.....

July is National Ice Cream month and there is no better way to cool down than to do so with scoops of your favorite flavor. But don't get a brain freeze thinking that the cold freezey treat is a simple thing. There's science stuff going on here with ice cream.

How do you make the best ice cream? Lets watch a video. Feel free to grab some ice cream to munch on first.


Now that we've got your taste buds salivating for more and your brain fully pumping, lets go out on the edge of ice cream science. Now that we know how to make the best tasting ice cream, why not explore the best shaped ice cream?

Researchers at MIT have created a 3-D ice cream printing machine. Ladies and gentlemen, simply put, we have entered a new world of ice cream.



Now go out and scoop yourself up some ice cream, celebrate National Ice Cream month, and think some science thoughts. You're practically a genius already.

Agent 222, reporting from the Udder Side.

Dairy Farmer at Disney

Well, The Farmer and his family took a trip down to Disney World. And he probably thought he could get away from us.

Fat chance.

Dairy Cow at Epcot

I had a great time stalking following him around the parks and resorts. Along the way I took notice of a few dairy good things. While Disney was not celebrating June Dairy Month (WHY NOT!), I did see that they were very supportive of dairy products. You couldn't throw a stick and not find somebody selling ice cream of some sort. You could find it in all kinds of desserts and even on a stick shaped like Mickey Mouse himself. I caught The Farmer beating the Florida heat more than once with some of that ice cream.

Speaking of that famous mouse, I think there is no doubt that he is a milk drinker. 

Mickey Mouse Milk

Chef Mickey says to drink at least three glasses of milk a day and I couldn't agree more! No wonder The Farmer likes that mouse.

Agent 442, reporting from the Udder Side.

Dancing About June Dairy Month

You just can't beat having an entire month dedicated to what you love best. In our case, that's dairy. June Dairy Month is everyone's opportunity to celebrate the wonderfulness of dairy!

And it is definitely worth dancing about!

So tell me, tell me true. What dairy product do you love so much it makes you want to dance?

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Save The World From Soyzilla!!

The world hangs in the balance. You can save it by drinking your milk.

For thousands of years man has enjoyed drinking milk from a cow. It wasn't until the late 20th century that a crazy scientist believed they could improve upon nature's most perfect food. After accidentally squishing some soybeans, one scientist, in an obvious drunken haze, declared the soy juice to be "soy milk."

The soy milk had neither the taste, texture, quality, or nutrition of real milk. The mad scientist was determined to make it work. He investigated all types of ways to make the soy milk even half as good as real milk and failed at every attempt. In a dream he envisioned using DNA from a lizard and splicing it to the soybean in order to make it more nutritious. He found that the only way to do this effectively was to bathe the bean in radiation. Nuclear radiation!

But things went wrong. Things went terribly wrong.

The bean sprouted an egg. The egg hatched. And out from that egg came...

Soyzilla

Soyzilla!!!! While others may fear a beast like Godzilla from the movies, Soyzilla is much, much worse!

Today a determined group of dairy cows have left on a mission to stop the monster before it is too late! Help them save the world by purchasing real milk and real dairy products. Your love of dairy will be the support they need to do the impossible.

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Cows Love Green Grass

The old pasture there looks the same

As it did last year after the rain

I love to smell all those buttercups

Out the lane I walk and not contrary

We're all happy, oh so merry

It's good to eat the green green grass of home

It has been a long time comin', waiting on the grass to grow. The cold weather put The Farmer at least two weeks or more behind previous years based on how tall his wheat is today versus then. With chopping time arriving we couldn't be happier.

When spring came it really sprung and we are busy mowing eating the new grass in the pastures. Nothing could be better. Nothing this side of a nice pedi and back massage.

Back massages are nice.

In order to make a little money on the side, a few of the cows have started a lawn care business. They have reasonable rates and a money back guarantee. Be sure and contact Daisy for all the details.

Daisy Cow's Lawn Care

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Dairy Cows' April Poetry Month Slam

Cow Poetry Month Slam 

Literary cows? You better believe it! We felt like we had to do something big for Poetry Month this April so we had our first annual poetry slam. It wasn't a contest, but rather a sharing of thoughts, musings, and recitations in front of the herd. Here's the one that almost brought the barn roof down:

Dairy Barn

Don't you think that it's crazy how people think

All that fake dairy is just as good as mine

Because I'm the best at milking it, milking it

Giving people the best is what I want

And it's got all kinds of nutrients, it's full of it

You can get plenty of protein on what I've wrought

Nothing will ever beat me

(Yeah)

Baby drink the glass down

And I'll be the cow mooing you a cheer

Make a big bowl of ice cream and see how well you share (yeah)

Dairy's so healthy, let me make myself real clear

We're going down to the dairy barn, we're milking it like yeah (yeah)

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

The Phantom Cow

Just when you thought it was safe to go to bed at night the phantom cow is ready to start causing you problems. She roams the roads and country sides, only to be seen under the light of the moon. Some say that like the mermaids singing their siren songs and leading sailors to their doom, the phantom cow moos a sad moo across a field and leaves farmers worrying enough to come looking. Others claim they were driving and the cow suddenly appeared in the road causing them to brake and attempt to avoid her and just before the moment of impact she evaporated into the darkness like fog clearing after a rain. 

Only Known Photo of the Phantom Cow

Many folks have seen a cow out and contacted a farmer to alert him to it, but the farmer knows better. He knows that if he goes and looks he might find one of his own cows in the road. But if he does not, then he knows the ghostly apparition has come to haunt his farm until the moon's cycle ends. 

The Farmer was suspicious that the phantom cow had paid him a visit, however, this time it was only old 222 who had been searching for the supposed greener grass on the other side of the fence. She was real and he brought her back home. Luck was on his side this night. I sure don't want her on our farm.

If you believe that you have the phantom cow visiting your farm or want to prevent her from coming there is only one thing you can do. The story goes that a farmer who had been plagued by the phantom cow had sought out the help of an old gypsy woman. She listened intently as he explained how the bovine spectre brought panic to him and his neighbors. The gypsy was said to have gone outside to speak some kind of ancient language to her own personal milk cow. And most importantly, her cow gave her the answer. 

The gypsy woman went back to her encampment and by the light of the bonfire her friends made she dug through the contents of a wooden trunk. After what seemed like an eternity to the desperate farmer, the gypsy retrieved three items and held them up in the firelight. In her hands were three simple glass goblets.

The gypsy instructed him that he and his family should each drink three servings of dairy a day, and not only would the phantom cow leave, but they would also reap rewards in life so great that others would pronounce them lucky. 

The farmer and his family and neighbors took the gypsy's advice and they never saw the phantom cow again. They also were said to be the healthiest people in the area, but not everyone knew what they did to make it all happen. 

Does the idea of a phantom cow leave you in a panic? On a cold, moon filled night could you resist the call of her moos across the pasture? Are you brave enough to look into an unliving bovine's eyes and find out what's really on the other side?

Take heed, my friends! Take heed! I urge you to follow the gypsy's advice. Do not be wary when you get three servings of dairy! Then you will be more than healthy, wealthy, and wise, because you will survive.

Agent 272, reporting from the Udder Side.

Photo of goblet: By User Ryanrs on en.wikipedia (Copyright Ryan Salsbury 2004.) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

Got Milk? Then Give Milk! The Great American Milk Drive

Did you know that Michael Bay directed the very first Got Milk commercial?



We were thinking it would be awesome to have Mr. Bay direct a movie about superhero cows. Hey, he makes great big explosive movies about giant transforming robots, so why not?

The cows would be regular dairy cows by day and crime fighting cows in disguise by night! And obviously I would like to have an on screen cameo if not a full blown starring role. I'm a cow, I make milk, I already know I'm a hero. And the best part would be how the superhero cows would take the reward money they receive and use it to purchase milk for the needy.

In the meantime, we don't have to wait for a movie because we can be the good guys right now. We can all start helping the needy with a new program called The Great American Milk Drive which begins on April 2:

Milk is one of the most asked for nutrition staples at food banks, yet of the 37 million Americans served, less than a gallon of milk goes to each person every year.

The Great American Milk Drive is here to change that – giving Americans a simple way to make a difference and donate milk to help food insecure families in their communities.

Want to be a superhero? You can when you participate in the Great American Milk Drive where you will be able to donate milk to food banks in your local communities. Hey, Michael Bay might make a movie about you. It could happen. So, like, call me, Michael, whenever you have time. You've got my number, right?

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Jealous Female Steals Baby (Calf)

We were very excited to have Dairy Dave come do a story on our farm for the local paper. What is better still is how mother and calf are now back together.

Happy Mother and Calf

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Quarantined Milk

If there was a movie to be made about me right now, then Quarantined would be the title. You see, I've got mastitis. It is an infection in my udder. And it happens. The Farmer does a good job with his milking routine and tries to care for me and the other cows, but things happen sometimes. Like when people get colds for seemingly no good reason.

So what do you do? You treat it, of course. First The Farmer tried an ointment on my udder which is sort of like icy hot for cows. It felt good and soothing, but it and time were not enough. So he resorted to giving me some antibiotics. Medicine. So I would feel better. To get rid of the infection.

The Scarlet Line

After giving me the antibiotics I also received the full Hester Prynne treatment. That's right, I was marked! I didn't get a huge scarlet letter "A" for antibiotics emblazoned on my forehead, but he did mark me with some scarlet red paint on each of my back legs. This will alert and remind anyone that is milking me that my milk cannot be put with the rest of the milk.

The Farmer does not ever want milk from treated cows like me to go with the other cows' milk. If he did he would be punished for an entire milk truck load of milk that would be contaminated. It would be better for him to discard all of his milk on hand than let it be put on the truck if that were to happen.

Every load of milk on the farm is tested. Then the truck is tested. Then it is tested and tested some more at the processor to make sure the milk is antibiotic free. Talk about safety!

Milk Can Vs Milk Tank

So where does my milk go? It goes into the milk can and then it is discarded.

I am quarantined.

Everybody else's milk goes in the big milk tank. They never mingle. They never touch. In a few days The Farmer will test my milk with an antibiotic test kit. When it shows my milk is good he will allow it to go back in the tank, but until that test is clean I am quarantined.

Agent 436, reporting from the Udder Side.

Where Real Milk Comes From

Maybe we have been watching too much television lately, but we've seen some commercials that are too much to be believed. It has often been said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it really makes us cows pause and think.

Can you squeeze real milk from a bean?

Soybeans

I don't think so.

Can you crush real milk out of a nut?

Almonds

Not hardly.

Can you boil real milk out of rice?

Rice

You've got to be kidding me!

Who Wants Fake Milk?

It boggles my little secret agent bovine mind that folks dislike me and my milk so much that they try to come up with an alternative to it and they still call it milk! If you don't like my milk then why not call it something else, like soy juice. 

Now little Johnny is thirsty and in trouble with his mom for using the "c" word, but there's no wondering about why he was utterly disgusted by her offer. People try to teach their kids to be themselves, to like themselves for who they are, and then they ask everyone to pretend that these juices and squeezin's are real milk.

Where Real Milk Comes From

Let me show you where real milk comes from. Real milk comes from real cows. Accept no substitutes!

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.






Photo credits:
soybeans by ateoto
almonds by Sanjay Acharya (Own work) [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
rice by  Biswarup Ganguly (Own work) [GFDL or CC-BY-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dairy Farmers Actually Promote Dairy Products

US Government: ‘Eat More Pizza!’ | NotionsCapital http://t.co/XeMl6WoLMI
— Mark Bittman (@bittman) February 17, 2014

So while we were wasting time between milkings reading the internet we came across this Mark Bittman tweet. Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark,Mark, Mark. (Wink, wink!) We know what you were doing. You were tweeting this sarcastically to point out how false this story is.

Notions Capital is reporting that The USDA is promoting eating pizza. Nope nope nope. While we're only cows maybe we can elaborate on what they probably meant to say. 

Dairy farmers sell milk that they get from us. They sell it to processors who then sell it as fluid milk or any number of delicious dairy products. The farmers decided they would like to all join in and promote our wholesome product. Thus they started the dairy check off. 

How do you collect all this money safely and securely? They decided to form DMI to do it.

But wait who is in charge of this money?

Who spends the money?

Whose money is it?

Ding, ding, ding. If you answered the farmers then you guessed correctly.

The farmers have state dairy boards and then select some of those farmer board members to be on a regional board. Then they select some of those farmer members to be on the national board. What that means is that dairy farmers are the one's hiring people to promote, research, and defend our naturally good product. And they're doing it with their own money.

Let's talk about pizza. There are three major parts. The crust, the tomato sauce, and what was the other one? Cheese! And cheese is made out of.......that's right, our milk. So dairy farmers helped pizza folks figure out how to put the best tasty cheese on pizzas.

But there's more than just pizza. Dairy farmers use check off dollars to, as the Southeast United Dairy Industry Association (they're one of those regional dairy boards that dairy farmers are on) says, to

....work(s) with schools, health professionals, farmers and the public to provide them with nutritional information, research and recipes for a healthy lifestyle that includes three servings of milk, cheese or yogurt each day.

Agent 101, spreading the truth like warm butter, on the Udder Side.

The Dairy Cows' Interactive Valentine's Day Gift Guide For Guys

Dear Guys,

Lets face it. You have no clue what to get that wonderful woman in your life that you can't believe hasn't dumped you yet. You're afraid that whatever you get her will ruin your relationship. Have no fear! We're cows, and for those of you not in the know, that means we're girls, and we have put together a short Interactive Valentine's Day Gift Guide to help you select the right gift. Choose your answers to the questions very carefully. Make your mistakes here and not with her! Make it a Valentine's Day to Remember!




Agent 247, reporting from the Udder Side.

Ask A Farmer

Sometimes it is hard to figure out what the truth is when you get hit with "facts" from every direction. With the topic of agriculture it is no different. You've got the tv and the internet telling you things and your neighbor down the street telling you things and you are constantly being bombarded by advertisements that exaggerate and lie.

Could this be you?



Normally I'd tell you to only trust the cows, but not even us cows know everything. Obviously we can tell you many things about dairy farming as we report on The Farmer, but truth be told we don't know much about chickens, or cucumbers, or corn (except that we love to eat it!)

So how do you find a farmer to talk to on the internet? I suggest you check out The Follow Farmer list where you can look up farmers by state or by the type of agriculture you are interested in learning about.

When you want the truth you should go to the source. So I say, why not ask a farmer?

Agent 101, reporting from the Udder Side.

Cows Eating Hay

Life is all about the hustle and bustle, even for cows. We come in from the field, we eat, we're milked, we eat again, and head back out to pasture. Here's a quick sample of when we ate hay.



The down time between milkings is what we enjoy most. Kicking our hooves up and relaxing out in the pasture. Don't you forget to pause and enjoy life. And remember to take time to smell the roses and drink your milk!

Agent 10, reporting from the Udder Side.

How Buffett Is Helping To Beat The Polar Vortex

While there has been no change in latitude there has definitely been a change in attitude with all of us cows and The Farmer. I believe our plan of attacking the Polar Vortex with Jimmy Buffett music has turned the tide! We are at a beautiful 40 degrees so far today and are looking at over 50 for the next few days. The only question to ask is why didn't we do this sooner?!?

What we accomplished with blowing the cold back couldn't have been done without the hard work of music listeners like Janice Person and Melissa Burniston.

Photo courtesy of Janice Person

The Farmer has been busy carrying water, thawing pipes, and fixing the busted ones. We moo often. It seems to hurry him up, or at least it gives us something to do. We did not produce as much milk during the cold, but I have told all of the other cows that we need to get back to our previous output soon.

In the meantime I did a survey on the top five favorite Jimmy Buffett songs that have been played on the farm to blow back the cold weather to Canada.

5. The Cattle and the (Farm) Kid
4. A Farmer Looks at Forty
3. We Are The Cows The Farmer Warned You About
2. It's Milking Time Somewhere
1. Why Don't We Get Drunk and Moo

If you are still cold there is no time like the present to join the fight!

Agent 287, reporting from the Udder Side.

Beat The Cold With Buffett

Well the cold air has finally made it far enough south to reach us. The first thing you hear on the TV is to take care of the elderly and the animals and I couldn't agree more. The Farmer is working hard to make the best of it for us.

What this makes me think about first is border security. Why is the United States dealing with this cold arctic air? Because the terrible border control we have with Canada!

Obviously this is escaped weather from Canada and now we know who to blame! 

There are some that will tell you how to survive this cold weather like these 15 tips from Janice Person. But I say we should not try to simply survive the cold, I say we beat this cold and it back where it came from!

The Buffet Plan

The Buffet plan begins in part of the Southest South. I propose that at nine o'clock Eastern Time (because EST is God's time, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise) that everyone, and I mean everyone, point their speakers North and begin playing Jimmy Buffet music. 

Beginning in Florida and moving up into Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee everyone can continue blasting the warm beach sounds and we can use the power of these sound waves to push the cold back up into the arctic where it belongs.

This is going to take teamwork and it will be a very coordinated effort in order to make it work. I suggest you make a pot of the hot chocolate with milk that The Farmer posted yesterday and crank up the music! 

Agent 287, reporting from the Udder Side.